Selfish
by naominash
Summary: For those times when it's less selfish just to do what you want.
1. Chapter 1

The Sohma Estate was bathed in shafts of light. Springtime blossoms dotted the trees of the landscape. In the distance, the call of cicadas added to the tranquil atmosphere.

Yuki Sohma raised a mug of tea to his lips and drank. His textbook sat heavily on the dining table unattended. His purple eyes glossed over.

He hardly flinched as a leg kicked at his head and missed entirely, leading to a huge thump on the floor.

"Is your aim getting worse?" Yuki asked calmly. An orange-headed boy lifted his head off the floor. He cut his red eyes at the grey-haired teen. He meant his kick to be harmless but but startling. He pointed up at him.

"Hey! I was wide open. You could have easily hit me. You were distracted!"

"It's called thinking." Yuki sipped his tea. "You should try it sometime."

Shoji doors slid open.

"He was probably distracted with thoughts of our lovely little flower." The lazy writer cooed knowingly from the entrance.

"Shigure!" Yuki seethed. The Dog made everything sound dirty.

The grey-haired teen _had_ been thinking of Tohru. The image of wide blue eyes, a warm smile, and a strawberry ice cream cone filled him with an unnamed-able feeling sort of like nostalgia. Slowly, he'd come to appreciate that smile and even to rely on it.

Shoji doors slid open again, followed by light footsteps and a rustle of plastic.

A slim brunette stepped in carrying a bag. The three male's eyes softened as she explained how she found gifts from the store that were perfect for Yuki and Kyo.

Tohru Honda casually flipped a braid over her shoulder as she fished through her shopping bag. For Kyo: some bandages. He refused at first, until Yuki mentioned an upcoming visit from Kagura. Defeated, he huffed and pocketed the bandages before slinking away to the roof.

Tohru Honda looked at Yuki nervously, thinking of her gift. Would he find it too silly?

"What did you get me, Miss Honda?" the Rat prompted gently.

She simply presented him with the bag. Yuki reached inside and found a packet of pencils with some cutely designed rat heads on the tips. He imagined Tohru's reaction upon seeing them at the store. Her whole face would light up to find such a cute gift. It gave a nod to their little secret in an endearing way that almost made the curse seem like an inside joke. Yuki immediately loved them, since they would make him think of her.

She looked downward.

"Um. If you don't like them, I can always take them back! I know they look a little sill—"

"Oh no!" said Yuki, cursing himself for giving her the wrong idea. "They're perfect!" He opened the package and took out a pencil. "You're too kind!"

"Oh not at all!" she gushed with obvious pleasure. "You all are so kind to me, I could never repay it."

Yuki gave a soft smile. The girl was always so grateful.

"I still wish you would spend some of the money from your part-time job on yourself."

At that, girl got some kind of weird glint in her eye. "Actually," she said with triumph, "I did!"

Shigure looked up from pretending to read his newspaper.

"Really?" asked Yuki, skeptically.

"Yeah!"

"What did you get?" Yuki and Shigure both asked in unison.

With gusto, she pulled out a brand new pair of… cleaning gloves.

"Hanajima was talking to me about doing more for myself so I decided to get these gloves. They were a major splurge!"

Yuki's smile faltered a little. At least she was trying. The fact of the matter was that she was a bit hopeless at thinking of herself.

Tohru felt like a child who had eaten too much birthday cake. Hanajima made getting something for herself seem like such a great idea at the time. But now she was wondering how she could justify her spending. Hanajima meant well but if she made her loved ones happy then that was enough, wasn't it?

And Yuki… he was so sweet for calling her kind. He really was like a Prince. What would Yuki's fan club think if they saw how casually they exchanged gifts and compliments?

She gulped. She'd be in trouble for sure.

After all, Yuki was the Prince of their high school and she was such a plain girl. They'd never accept that someone so handsome chose be close to a girl like her. She really was lucky just to be his friend.

Still, there were times when he walked her home from her job or he helped with the dishes or carried some of her bags and he would look at her with so much gentleness in his eyes that she would hold her breath and wait…wait for what she didn't know but she was always waiting for something. And then the moment would pass and that feeling of suspense would fade away.

What could she possibly be waiting for? He was already doing enough by letting her stay in the Sohma estate. He was so kind to her and always made time in his busy schedule to spend with her. To ask anything more would just be selfish.

Yuki expertly twirled his rat-head pencil on top of his thumb knuckle.

The fact remained that he was not like her. She was kind to people out of the goodness of her heart. He was only nice to get people to like him. She was too gracious for him. He had no courage to match her gentle strength. He really was just a mess of self-pity and self-loathing on the inside.

Sure he was talented in many areas, but he hated his stunted, reserved nature to the point where he would gladly give it up for Kyo's sociability. Besides, if he ever caused her to have to face Akito's wrath, he'd never forgive himself.

To truly love her, he would protect her from harm. His increasing feelings would have to be subdued somehow.

Tohru slumped in her seat before stretching back into a yawn. Arching her back, she curled her hands into fists and reached back, extending her toes before recoiling to hunch over her math textbook. Yuki looked away. Unlike him, she seemed comfortable enjoying herself without reservation.

The brunette wrapped her hands around brown locks of hair, drawing the teen's eyes to her slender fingers. She pushed an eraser tip against her bottom lip, sighing at the formulas in frustration. When he caught himself staring, he looked away at his textbook. What was wrong with him?

"Yuki..?" Tohru asked hesitantly. She hoped he didn't find her stupid. "Could you help me with the formula again?"

"Sure Miss Honda. Set the problem up like this…" From there, they fell into a familiar rhythm. At the end, the Rice Ball tried to thank him profusely, but Yuki just shrugged and suggested she could return the favor and help him pass home economics. At this Tohru smiled so brilliantly that his heart beat a bit faster. Why was she so happy?

"Ah! I've got to get dinner started!"

Moving effortlessly, Tohru hummed a nameless tune as she whipped out the pots and pans. She wasn't sure why, but she felt happier than usual. Maybe buying the gloves were a good idea after all. Her mind wandered as she placed a large pot on the stovetop. Yuki was so kind to her. If she could actually help him in home economics, she would finally prove herself useful to him.

Kyo slinked down to his seat at the smell of food and Shigure rubbed his stomach in anticipation. Yuki put his homework away and sat as far away from Shigure as possible.

Tohru's hair was beginning to spill from one of her braids. She tucked a few strands behind her ears as she served the food. It was a simple western meal of spaghetti. However, her placement of the herbs from the garden as a garnish gave the dish a touch of refinement. She was always one for the little details. Her movements were practiced and graceful. Yuki sat with his hands locked together, his eyes shielded. He barely noticed when she came next to him with a teapot.

"Yuki, are you okay? Would you like some tea?" she asked.

"Yes, Miss Honda, I'm fine. I'd like some."

Then she poured. Loosened hair partially shielded her face. She paused to look up at him—to ask if it was enough. He looked up at her. Immediately, she forgot to ask and looked back down. He looked away just as quickly. He wanted her to look at him again. He placed his fingers on her wrist.

"That's enough, Miss Honda."

She started and spilled some tea onto the table. More flustered than usual, she sputtered.

"Yuki. I'm sor—it's my fault. I'll wipe it up!" she did a hop skip and walked a bit too quickly to the kitchen. 'Why am I so nervous?' she thought.

'Idiot' Yuki berated himself. Still he couldn't help but wonder at her moments of uncertainty around him. Whenever she got acted in a way that might be suspicious, he could always chalk it up to wishful thinking or Tohru's magnanimous actions portioned equally to everyone.

He looked at Shigure. He was humming obnoxiously in contrived innocence. Somehow, that was more irritating than if he had just made some lewd comment.

After dinner, Yuki offered to help wash the dishes. Tohru smiled her thanks as usual, but felt concerned. She'd seen that dark look after her spill. Maybe he was irritated with her.

"Yuki, is something bothered for you? I'm sorry I spilled the tea earlier. I know I can be clumsy."

Yuki scowled as he rubbed the rag round a dish. His sleeve was rolled up and Tohru noticed clearly the veins that stood out of the muscles in his lower arm.

"You shouldn't feel sorry for me, Tohru. I'm just selfish. That's all."

With a little gasp, Tohru shook her head, tendrils of hair loosening from her braid. She tucked her hair behind her ears again before insisting,

"No, you mustn't say that about yourself. You're smart and kind and generous!"

Yuki sighed.

"I'm only kind to win favors from others."

He could scarcely believe the denial in her eyes as she put her dish down.

"But that's not right. Selfishness is to want something at the expense of others. Hanajima told me that you should treat yourself like someone who you care about." She took a step closer.

"Think, Yuki. If someone you cared about said they were just selfish, what would you tell them?"

Yuki put down his dish. He knew she was asking for his sake but all he could think of was her. He moved his bangs aside.

"I'd tell them they were wrong-That they have ways of making the people around them feel special and wanted even if they don't deserve it. I'd tell them they brought meaning into people's lives without asking anything in return."

Tohru held her breath in awe. It was touching, yet oddly specific. If only he could see how those words applied to him!

"Then give yourself the same credit. All of that is true about you!"

Yuki's knuckles gripped the counter. "You really think so? "

The Rice Ball smiled with confidence. "Yes. You mustn't be hard on yourself. Okay?" she giggled a bit nervously.

Yuki stepped forward. Her face had a pretty flush. Slowly, he lifted a hand and tucked a loose tendril of hair behind her ear.

"On one condition.."

Tohru's breathing became shallow. He was very close now.

"What is that?"

"You must also treat yourself like someone you care about. And you mustn't be hard on yourself."

She blustered a bit and giggled nervously. It was a bit overwhelming to think about when she applied her advice to herself.

"Promise?" He asked. He leaned forward, trapping her between himself and the counter. She blushed. Why was he so close? What if he transformed? Was it what she was waiting for? For Yuki to finally let his guard down and share his struggles? Like with most girls, the aura of the Prince was taking its effect. She could hardly breathe. Again, she waited.

"Yeah." She whispered. Her half lidded eyes closed. Her heart was beating fast and she began trembling. She curled her toes.

At once Yuki seemed to realize how close he'd gotten. His stomach dropped.

"Miss Honda, I'm sorry!" he said, blushing fiercely, and sprang apart from her. He buried his face in his hand.

"No Yuki, it was just nice to be so close without transforming you."

Heart beating wildly, Yuki's thoughts splintered in a thousand directions. 'You can be close to me all you want.' Went a baser one. Over and over, her words rumbled around in his head, wracking his brain, turning his concentration into mush. He was melting fast and her presence was like the heat of a warm sun.

No, he couldn't have her. He had to fall back before it was too late. She was slowly drawing him in with her sincerity and innocence. But doing the right thing was more important-Way more important than pinning her to the counter and kissing her senseless.

He dried the dishes as if they were intensely interesting. Tohru began to get an off feeling, like she had said something wrong. She was a girl of awkward moments. Sometimes she wondered if Yuki didn't feel a bit sorry for her. Right now, though, he seemed troubled. She reached out and placed her hand on top of his. She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

Yuki immediately drew his hand away, as if burned.

"Tohru I -," he began. "I have to go. I'll see you later."

She drew her hand to her chess and closed her eyes. Confusion and loss gripped her as she stood there. However she realized that that was the first time he called her Tohru.


	2. Chapter 2

A grey rat sat upright in Tohru's palms, peering at her in the shade.

Panicking, Tohru went to get Yuki to the boys locker room so he could change once he transformed back. Once the light from the outside hallway window hit, she remembered to hide him. Her hand elevated the rat until he was eye level with the dip in her school uniform. Her hand tipped him forward till he, spinning his stubby arms frantically, fell into her blouse.

Warm creamy flesh assaulted his senses.

"Miss Honda…" he called uncertainly, gripping the middle band of her bra. His ears were burning. He closed his eyes, a hint of lacy white flashing behind his eyelids. Was his whole body blushing?

"Shh." She said nervously. Four girls from the Yuki fan club approached her.

"Oops!" The blonde pigtailed leader knocked into Tohru's shoulder.

The girls wanted to interrogate Tohru. What could a homeless orphan hope to offer someone like Yuki? She shrugged, feeling self-conscious as the rat breathed against her chest.

"Nothing." She said, eyes growing dim. "Nothing at all."

The leader marched forward but she couldn't see anything. Something warm and wriggly just flew at her face.

In the panic that followed, the girls decided that some horrible brand of bad luck followed all who messed with Tohru and fled. In her panic, the leader swiped the creature off her face, causing Tohru to have to dive to catch him.

Brows furrowing in confusion, the Rice Ball made her ways to the boys' locker room and set Yuki's clothes underneath a bathroom stall. She deposited the rat there and left quickly for the school yard.

 _Earlier in the preceding week_

Yuki's breakfast lay uneaten on the table. He had apparently gone off to school early.

The blue-eyed girl blushed at last night's encounter, envisioning his hands gripping the counter beside her waist. She remembered how off she felt, as if she were faced with a different Yuki, one that was nothing like the calm collected Yuki she knew. Maybe after school she could apologize and figure out what she did to upset him.

Yuki gracefully strolled into the Student Council room, sternly driving back thoughts of pink cheeks and strawberry scented shampoo.

Neat little scratch marks marked his name beside every school activity that required outside school hours. The rat head eraser's dot eyes stared at him as if in shock.

The floodgate of mixed thoughts and emotions from last night was kept shut only by one pronoun: Akito.

There was just a line of distance that everyone had to keep from him. Those children he played with one time all had their memories erased and Tohru could easily suffer the same fate. Even though he considered the possibility that Tohru might be happier that way, he couldn't bring himself to just let her slip out of his life.

Before, he thought he could enjoy her company and keep up the formalities of host and houseguest. However, he had underestimated her appeal, his own loneliness, and longing for acceptance.

Shigure took a puff of his cigarette and sighed. Yuki was coming home late again. His little flower was practically wilting before his very eyes. With a tinge of concern, he watched as the young housekeeper gave up on her homework before going into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

As she got out the ingredients, Tohru thought about the time she and Yuki harvested strawberries in the garden. There was nothing particularly remarkable about the scene, except that happiness and content feelings colored the whole memory like tinted glass.

Shigure thought dinner was so quiet he could practically hear his food digest. Tohru glanced at the empty seat at the head of the table, remembering the Prince's eyes as they looked up at her. Just what did he think of her?

The sliding door shifted. Tohru felt her heart skip a beat and then her stomach knot with dread and anticipation.

"Um, Y-Yuki! I'm so glad you're back. How was your day?"

The teen took one look at her, mumbled something about homework and headed straight for his room.

A glass clinked against a bowl.

Tohru bent down to pick up a stray grain of rice on the floor. Poor, lonely little grain, left behind like that. So he was mad at her. But what could she do if she couldn't talk to him?

In the privacy of his room, Yuki set out his homework, praying Miss Honda wasn't too offended by his behavior. It would have been inexcusable, if it hadn't been for the right reason. He just couldn't stand to look at her without wanting things to go back to the way they were. Risking her safety just wasn't an option.

In the next few days, Tohru began to feel more tired than usual. She didn't demand anything, but whenever she saw Yuki, she put on a huge smile, like the one in her mother's photograph.

On the rooftop, she often sought solace with Kyo. The boy was not blind to his opportunity to get closer to Tohru, but taking advantage didn't feel right. Not when Tohru was so sad.

"I don't understand what his problem is." The orange-haired youth complained. "I hear he's taking on more work than he needs to. What a try-hard!"

Her eyes began to heat up at hearing the rumor repeated from Kyo. It only reminded her that she was the reason he didn't want to be home.

"It's me." She said, wiping at her eyes. "I'm the problem. He's avoiding me."

He turned away from her, facing the sky.

"I can talk to him for you, if you want." He offered. 'I can't believe I'm doing this..'

Tohru circled her thumbs around each other. "Thanks Kyo. "I'd like that."

Sunday evening, Tohru prepared a lavish dinner. With no events for Yuki to escape to, Shigure insisted he be at the table.

Tohru arrived from the kitchen in a simple lavender sweater and knee-length purple skirt. Her pink apron ruffled around her waist as she bent to serve them the first course. Yuki noticed the flush on her face from the heat of the stove and the subtle sway of the ruffle at the hem of her skirt. She was beautiful. Not only did she transform their fitful house into a home. She had transformed him into a better person. He looked down at his clasped fingers.

Kyo observed Yuki carefully from above his miso soup. That girly man was clearly looking everywhere but at Tohru.

"Hey Tohru!" the orange-top called. "You should cheer up!" Yuki set down his fork a bit harder than necessary.

Yuki sighed with envy, wishing he could express himself freely like the Cat.

"So Yuki," the orange-top began casually. "What's gotten into you lately? You're so busy."

The Rat gave the teen a look of pure contempt before noticing Tohru had stopped stirring her pot at the stove.

"The student council just needed extra help, that's all." He replied evenly.

"Must be a quite an ambitious group if they have meetings five days a week," said Kyo.

"Must be -if they do things besides sucking at martial arts."

Kyo stood up.

"You wanna go Rat boy?"

"Don't tempt me."

Shigure cut in. "Please take it outside away from my precious house!"

"Fine!" they both said.

Outside in the yard, Yuki adjusted his collar.

"You can dig at me all you like, but I'll throttle you if you upset Miss Honda with your passive-aggressive comments."

"Oh, _I'm_ upsetting her? I'm not the one avoiding her day and night! When you try and hide it, you only make things worse."

"You should stay out of things you don't understand, Cat!"

"I understand that she cries because of you. It's just like you've always been. You're hiding because you're afraid but you're not even thinking about what she wants. She's been wanting to talk to you but you've been ignoring her this whole time."

"I just want to do the right thing. Akito wouldn't abide us getting close. You know that. I'm doing this for her."

"You're only doing this to save your own skin, in a way. Tohru would gladly face Akito for either one of us."

"That's why I've got to protect her."

"More like, protect yourself."

Kyo kept talking, but by this time, his voice seemed to fade. All he could think about was Tohru. That dumb cat had a point. He had wanted to avoid being selfish in pursuing a relationship with her. But he had never asked her what she wanted. He had decided for her.

Yuki transformed back into a man with a poof. He rushed to put his clothes on. The stall creaked loudly when opened. Finding Miss Honda was top priority.

She was standing near a corner of the school yard looking dazed. A single yellow butterfly flew past, unnoticed. She froze upon seeing him.

"Why?" she asked. "Why would you help me?" Her voice trembled.

"Why wouldn't I, Miss Honda? I care about you…" _so much_.

"Then why have you been avoiding me?!" Her eyes began to water and a lump formed in her throat. Yuki gazed back at her and put up a hand as if wanting to say something but the words died in his mouth. He felt like his chest was constricting, seeing her fallen countenance.

"I'm so sorry." She sobbed. "I'm so sorry but I just _can't_ keep my promise. If I cared about someone, I'd tell them to do what they wanted to make them happy. But I just can't do that. I know I should be grateful to just have you in my life and that you gave me a place to stay. I know I shouldn't dare raise my eyes to you - you who have _so many beautiful girls_ surrounding him while I'm so plain and ordinary." She sobbed again, chest heaving, hiccupping, tears streaming down. "I know I should be happy just to give you a smile when I see you but I'm _not_. Because-," she hesitated. Yuki's heart froze in his chest. She sunk into the ground, sitting against the corner.

"Because I _like_ you. Because I can't _help_ but like you. Because you're graceful and kind and smart and you know how to make even a clumsy, silly girl like me feel special. I can't ask you to like me. I can't ask you because that would be asking too much. But I've been waiting and waiting for you to drop your mask around me. I was silly to wait. You don't even want to be around me!" At this, Yuki found his voice.

" It's not that, Miss Honda."

His face constricted. He clenched his fists.

She breathed heavily, trying to get a hold of herself. She collected herself from the ground, stumbling, at first. Then she ran home, with Yuki running behind her. Breathing hard, she raced into the kitchen.

"Tohru. Turn around." Slowly, she turned. Her eyes were shut tight. Her fists crossed in front of her chest.

"Look at me Tohru. _Look_ at me. Please?" He stepped closer to her, gently placing his hands around her wrists.

Tohru opened her eyes only to see Yuki on the verge of tears.

"I can't keep my promise either. Especially for what I'm about to say. I'm an idiot and a stupid, stupid fool for avoiding you. I wanted to protect you. I'm so sorry." He kissed her two fists.

Tohru hiccupped. "I'm sorry. I don't understand."

"How could you feel unworthy of me when I'm the one who could never be good enough for you? How could you want to be with someone from a cursed family, who turns into a disgusting rat every time you hugged them?"

At the denial in her eyes, he held up a hand.

" I didn't want to do that to you, Miss Honda. Even if I wanted to."

For a moment, they stood there as she took this in, just the sounds of their breathing to break the silence.

" But Kyo talked to me, and I realized I was wrong. He's willing to fight for you. And I will too because no matter what the cost, nothing is worth not being with you, even if it hurts me in the end. I thought I was being selfless in putting you at arm's length but I was only trying to save my own heart from breaking if you got your memories erased.

His voice was low and husky. "Miss Honda, if you could ever forgive me, I promise I'll spend the rest of my life doing my damnedest to make you happy."

For a few heartrending seconds, the girl only stared at him.

"Call me Tohru."

" What?"

"I said call me Tohru, Yuki."

Inching ever so closely while keeping that crucial space, Yuki squared his shoulders, tilted his face to the side, and gripped her shoulders. Tohru's heart beat wildly. She closed her eyes, lips parting ever so slightly. After a time-melting few moments, he pressed his lips against hers, eyes closed, breath held. He pulled away and they locked eyes. Two pink faces exhaled.

The Rat moved his face in again. This time he savored the texture of her lips a bit more. Tohru hummed in pleasure. Encouraged, he moved his bottom lip so that it chafed slightly against hers. The sensation sent shivers down his spine. Tohru's fists loosened. Yuki took one hand and languidly slid his hand against her palm to intertwine his fingers with hers. The other hand, Tohru reached up and slid against the back of his neck, curling her fingers into his hair as his other hand fell to her waist.

He flicked his tongue over her bottom lip and she arched her back and gripped his hair more tightly.

After a moment, he gave the softest of moans as she ran her tongue over his upper lip in return. Just then, the shoji door slid.

Shigure.

Since it would not do to have a dead Shigure if he chose to embarrass Tohru at that moment, they both sprang apart. Both were breathing heavily, Yuki gave her a look full of meaning and promise before looking squarely at Shigure, who had just entered the kitchen.

To his shock, he just took one look at them both, raised an eyebrow, and ducked right out.

"I'll be out for a little while. See ya." Yuki breathed a sigh a relief since no one would be murdered today.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" With that, Shigure was gone.

With that, Yuki turned back to Tohru, who, to his great dismay, was beginning to well up with tears again.

" Miss- Tohru?"

She began to laugh. "It's just. I'm so relieved. I thought you'd never want to be around me again."

Immediately, he held both her hands, murmuring in a low voice how sorry he was and how he'd never do it again.

"So… does this mean… that you like me too?" she asked, hopefully?

Yuki began to laugh. She was just too adorable. " I've liked you for quite some time now, Tohru," he admitted.

Wow. Prince Yuki Sohma liked _her_. What would Mom say to that?

"You can still call me Miss Honda sometimes if you like." She said, with a hint of playfulness.

The grey-haired teen cocked an eyebrow. He liked this playful side.

" As you wish, Miss Honda." His eyes sparkled.

All hell may break loose soon enough, but for now this moment was his treasure to enjoy.


End file.
